Commercials

 Why in the hell are bears the mascots for Charmin Toilet paper? Bears do not use toilet paper. Papa bear does not whisper to his wife minutes before drifting off into hibernation, "Hey honey, can you pass me a couple squares of the Charmin, due to that Mexican Stork I crushed yesterday I need to sneak in a couple paper strokes before this 4 month nap."
Commercials these days are, for the most part, terrible. I think everyone I know would agree with this.

If I were the advertising director for Charmin my commercial would go somewhere along the lines of this...

A man comes home from a long day of work to see his children sitting on the couch looking worried. He says, "What are you kids doing here? It's your mother and I's anniversary and we are supposed to have the house to ourselves tonight!"
The kids would then inform their father that his wife had experienced a messy bout with IBS earlier that day and has been in the bathroom for the better part of 4 hours. The husband, getting progressively worried and soft, runs up the stairs and busts down the bathroom door to be sure that he would not be getting lucky that night. While expecting to see something similar to the bar scene in Inglorious Basterds, with slightly different colours, he sees his wife doing the splits and looking ready for love. At the commercial's end, the camera zooms onto the wife's seductive face as she whispers the words, "Thanks to Charmin, my butt's ready for some harming."

And scene.

In somewhat related news, I feel that those African children who appear in those commercials about poverty actually have it made. I highly doubt they ever have to double up in long johns and deal with the genitalistic uncomfortabilities that follow. They never have to be purposely short of breath because by taking normal breaths coud lead to lung-frozen-solid syndrome. I mean sure, we may have running water, but what is the point if it freezes as soon as it exists the faucet. Mumbai is looking pretty good right about now. Is Mumbai in Africa? It sure sounds like it is. Is this racist? I dont think so. Is it insensitive? I cannot tell because I have no feeling left in my extremeties. Perhaps some may think I am being a drama queen, but rest assure it is due to the fact that at the time these words that form these sentences were discovered in my brain, I couldn't think of anything else. If you think that was a run-on sentence I partly agree; it was a run-on-to-open-flames sentence because it is so cold.

I am in a strange place at the moment. Everywhere I look there are pretty girls, yet I have not said one word to a female during 6 plus hours spent at school. Aside from my wonderful french Econ teacher who is delightful and sports quite the retina-friendly behind. Now when I say french Econ teacher I of course mean my Econ teacher from Montreal. Not my teacher of French Economics. Can you imagine that class?
It would be the equivilent to an adult monkey going over all the possible intergers of why Superman could beat up Batman while all the student monkeys throw fecal matter at each other.

If you laughed at that it means one of two things. Either you are quite well versed with knowledge of Global Economics and I miraculously made an intelligent observation through ridiculous, animal-related comedy,
OR like me you have no idea what that was supposed to mean and you wish you were smarter than you actually are because you assumed I knew what I was talking about.

I suppose a third option is possible in which simply my words were humourous without any significant attatched meaning behind them. If that is the truth, then I thank you.

And you're welcome.

Intro

As I gaze outside the obnoxiously large window in my parents house this afternoon, I realize exactly why I have half-jokingly called myself the indoorsman. Snow blowing sideways in the foreground of a sky that is as grey as my new peacoat, it looks like hell. That is if hell was full of snow and dick-shrinking winds instead of its popular preconceived notion that it is made of fire and occupied by lawyers. I would, at this point, rather stay inside and eat my father's colon stretching cereals with expired goat milk than go outside. And i may be looking into this too much, but perhaps there is more to my current mindset than what appears on the surface. Staying inside by the fire and never too far away from my iTelephone or PS3 seems pretty easy, definitely the easier choice of the two. Going outside presents challenge, adversity, uncomfortability. As of late, I have been choosing to stay inside a lot more than go outside to the uncomfortable aspects of life. Most of my life represents safety. And also stupidity. I would say 70% safety, 40% stupidity. I know at some point I need to man up and go outside, yet currently I do not want my tiny balls to need to curl up closer to my body for warmth, I like where they hang now.

Biology.

I am the most unselfishly selfish person I know. Qu'est-ce que fuck would be a common response to this, but listen. I do selfish things such as waste my parents money and cause them nothing but stress, however in the process i am also hurting myself and hindering my potential for a successful future. Make sense? I don't think so either. So what now? Asking myself this question is like asking Stevie Wonder directions to the nearest optomotrist, it's just not happening right now. The only thing I have going for me is that my life isnt quite as bad as my analogies, but hey I'm only 20. A sneak peek into the mind of the indoorsman is probably a waste of time and boring to most people, but at this point I'm done giving a Stajan about most people.

There are two doors that lead outside right now, both within ten feet. It would be a simple task to leave the house, however I am the Indoorsman, and doing so would mean changing who I am. Fear and uncertainty stand in the way of possible production and meaning. To strange eyes this may seem silly, but it is, as they as, what it is. Every minute working towards, or against, taking a step outside.

I may be random, edgy, dumb, smart, funny or disgusting. Perhaps all at the same time. I'm obviously still trying to figure it out myself, and it would be an honour to have you follow what will be the most anti-climactic experience of your life.